So what do I even mean by that.  So this lady me had one already struggled with seven years of infertility so being pregnant after our second round of IVF was so exciting, the hope of a child finally at the fore front of our minds with a name already in mind. 7 years of lying in the fetal position on the bathroom floor because I again had not got pregnant followed by surrendering  it all to my precious Heavenly Papa and choosing again to keep putting one foot in front of the other holding on to hope.    So I had this excitement but what else was not happening for me every month while I was pregnant.  Yes you guessed it.  I was not going through monthly menstruation so the hormonal rage settled and I so enjoyed being  with child and seeing that little one grow,  Everyone including the dairy owner knew I was pregnant.  I  now enjoyed my bedroom and the sound of neighbours  children  laughing and playing had become a sound of hope because I finally was pregnant with child.  I remember at 36 weeks pregnant watching my boy somersault in my tummy.  I loved being pregnant and no monthly torment anymore........................... well that was for now  The picture to your right was me heavily pregnant with my son with my beautiful sister who unfortunately died  just short of my son turning two.  It was only a couple of hours before she passed away that she was laughing and making my son laugh in the spa pool.  I walked her out to the car with an umbrella and I remember saying are you sure you dont want to stay another night, the weathers pretty shitty!!! She replied yeah but I just want to see my son........ 3 days before Christmas we lost an angel who adored my son.

I remember after each fall into that blackhole realising that too much of this had to do with the upcoming week of bleeding, it was like a switch that literally flicked turning a generally content and confident woman into a woman of rage facing oppressive and depressive thoughts reaching for cigarette after cigarette coffee after coffee.  Sick leave would be taken and I would go into that place of isolation, negativity and anxious thoughts.  It literally felt like something or someone had taken over my body and my ability to rationalise and I couldnt get away because it was happening inside of me.  No mindfulness or Eckhart Tolle you tube clips could get me back to that peaceful place.  Many times the start of each rage and depression looked like this, woke up feeling that doom and gloom and straight to the servo or dairy for a packet of cigarettes.  How I could afford it I don't know and I know I definitely couldnt afford it now and I wasted so many because as soon as I got to the bleeding part of my cycle the desire for a cigarette stopped and I would chuck the pack away only to head off again the next month to purchase those bloody filthy cigarettes again.  I loathed the smoking and I often remember waking up in the middle of the night and lighting myself a ciggy trying to repress this painful sad feeling inside of me.  Don't get me wrong some of my sadness was still there around other times of the month but the intensity was so bad just before menses.  And as quick of a flick of a light switch the time of the month would come and I would be back to my normal self confident and happy and pursuing running and routine and enjoying all that was around me including my work in pastoral care.  Three weeks of sweet until that wretched week before menses the flicker of a switch and I was once again fighting to stay alive and feeling so much shame and so much isolation and I didnt want anyone to see me like this.  Diagnosed with depression and given a pill until the day came when I fought for that diagnosis.  Let it be known woman are often misdiagnosed with bi polars because of the extreme highs and lows of this disorder.  Premenstrual Dysphoric Disorder other wise known as PMDD an insidious that sought to break my spirit and make me null and void BUT when hope is your purpose and the essence of your work you reach for that hope with all your strength knowing that one day you will emerge from that dark cocoon to a brave butterfly with a message to other ladies to fight for your healing because your flippen worth it.

My bedroom use to be a place of so much sadness that I would run to when a week before menses I would isolate and hide, when my period came and it was evidence of another crumbling moment when I didnt conceive, or when I would hear the sound of children playing next door a reminder would I ever be a Mummy.........  Shackled by loss but then HOPE came again and again