The extreme rage and the self loathing

I remember the times so clearly and look out if you got in my way.  I feel for my x husband now who must of thought I was some crazy person once a month and he would witness me smash stuff and I just made no sense.  He must have felt so powerless and its unfortunate we never got to talk about how hard it was for him witnessing this.  After one of those rages I would go into feeling so bad about myself and willing myself to die and all I felt was shame and anguish and when my period finally came that was just a reminder of how much of a failure I was because I could not do the basic thing of conceiving a child.  I never felt like I had any control of my emotions that time of the month and felt crippled and so afraid and just wanted to get out of my own skin.  And while I have this vulnerability to hormones lets chuck me on clomid to increase my egg production in the hope to conceive through this means but with such added stress on my already fragile hormones.  The side effects were cruel with extreme headaches and the raging hormones.  I did all the things to make it worse to try and settle the storm that was inside of me.  I did this by smoking cigarettes and turning to the bottle.  I hated my self so much and hated what I was doing.  I felt yuck and so weak and then with the flick of a switch..................................... to be continued